The hidden benefit of being overwhelmed with work

Feeling overwhelmed because you’ve got too much on your plate?

If this happens only occasionally or during challenging periods, then productivity hacks may be just the thing you need.

But if this is a *recurring pattern* – if you’re constantly overworked and exhausted – you might be unconsciously getting some EMOTIONAL PAYOFF from feeling that way.

And if you described to me a variety of ways this problem has shown up in your life, I would likely be able to spot the patterns and diagnose the emotional payoff behind it.

Here’s the thing:

Everything we do, no matter how destructive, has some kind of a positive purpose… and in most cases, that purpose is to meet some *emotional need* that we’re often unaware of.

Which means that most of the problems we experience on repeat are a reflection of our inner dynamics, and a price we subconsciously agreed to pay for the benefits that come with those problems.

I know this may sound strange, so let me share a few potential emotional needs you might actually be satisfying when you end up overwhelmed:

— The need to be liked. Maybe you have a strong need for approval and you worry you’ll disappoint others so you overextend yourself.

— The need to be needed. Maybe you equate your value with how useful you are to others, and you secretly doubt that others are capable of solving their problems on their own.

— The need to have things under control. Maybe it’s hard for you to deal with the unknown and trust that things will turn out okay. So you use excessive control (over other people, decisions and processes) to make sure nothing surprises you.

— The need to achieve. Maybe your self-respect is too dependent on high performance and achievement. And so you constantly need new challenges to feel validated.

— The need for variety and excitement. Maybe you’re easily bored, and so you look for new sources of excitement in the next activity or constant busyness. Maybe you’re not used to being relaxed, or you’re uncomfortable with the heavy thoughts that often come in idleness.

These are just a handful of reasons why you might always find yourself buried in too much to do.

And there are plenty more I’ve seen and could write a ton about: perfectionism, fear of failure, workaholism as a distraction from other problems in life… you get the picture.

Do you see how in all of those cases, ending up with too much on your plate is just a byproduct of your mind’s attempt to fulfill some important emotional need?

You could say that fulfilling that need is the *reward* you get by having too much on your plate.

Or you could say that having too much on your plate is the *price* you pay for fulfilling that need - either way.

Yet, so few people are actually aware of their underlying needs, which is why they focus on the “wrong” problem:

– some work on their “time management” trying various productivity hacks to handle their to-do list more effectively;

– some go through cycles of burnout and extensive vacations to recover, promising themselves they’ll slow down as soon as this big project is finished… but then jump onto the next one right away

– some work on their delegation skills or hire (more) assistants, but then end up micromanaging people

– some bitterly complain about others’ inefficiency or incompetence (“If I don’t do it myself, it won’t get done!”)

All of these are ways to deal with the problem of overwhelm.

But without paying attention to the unmet needs behind this pattern, they end up sabotaging their own efforts.

Which is why it’s key to bring those needs into conscious awareness!

When you become aware of your hidden needs, you’ll be able to catch yourself in the moment, as you’re about to do something that usually leads to overwhelm.

And in that moment, you’ll be able to notice the ulterior motive behind saying yes to yet another project, or offering unsolicited help, or checking up other people’s work. And you’ll be able to choose differently.

This also allows you to find more constructive ways to meet your needs.

Because it’s unlikely you’ll ever completely stop wanting to be liked or needed or in control…

But that doesn’t mean you are bound to be a slave of that need.

While that need might always play a role in your decisions, it doesn’t have to be the main character.

… And that could make all the difference between feeling excited about your work in the long run – or ending up exhausted and overwhelmed.

So how do you uncover the hidden emotional need behind the problem you’re experiencing?

The quickest way I found is to simply have a conversation with different “parts” of you — asking what they need, what they fear, and what they’re trying to protect by acting in ways you don’t like.

This allows you to make changes from a place of acceptance and compassion, instead of self-blame or shame as we usually do (which only makes change even harder).

So if I were your coach, I might ask you to identify the part of you that does things that make you feel overwhelmed, and speak from its perspective.

I might ask you questions like:

• What is so important about having too much on your plate?

• What does that say about you?

• How does that contribute to your value?

• If you didn’t have too much on your plate, what important rule would you be breaking?

• Who are you like when you are overwhelmed?

• What would happen if you decided to take it easy and let others take care of their business?

These questions usually reveal the underlying need pretty quickly.

You might also discover that by being overly busy and tired you are imitating some authority figure like a parent who used to tell you e.g., that you were lazy.

So by being overwhelmed with work, you are trying to convince them (or yourself) that they were wrong.

Now, if I sense that you are resisting these questions or making excuses that justify or rationalize your behavior (that’s what smart people I work with tend to do), I might resort to creative tools like cards with ambiguous images.

I might also ask you to play with various objects on your table to represent your situation metaphorically.

Metaphor is powerful because it helps you tap into your intuitive side and step outside the echo chamber of rationalizations that distort your perception.

So for example, I might ask you to look at the picture on the card and identify the part of you that wants to be needed. Let’s say you pick a house.

Then I’d ask you a bunch of questions to describe what the house is like.

The conversation might go something like this:

Me: “Tell me about the house. What’s it like?”

You: “The house is big and stable. Everyone comes to it when it’s cold. The house is always there and it takes care of everyone.”

Me: “Who takes care of the house?”

You: “Nobody. The house takes care of itself. It’s big and strong and it’s got a roof.”

Me: “What does the house want?”

You: “It doesn’t want to be empty. The house needs people, so it accepts anyone who comes.”

Um…wow? So now we’re talking about the real emotional need behind you always working too hard and ending up overwhelmed: the need to be needed.

I find it incredible how simply talking about a random picture of a house can reveal such a rich and complex emotional landscape.

But it makes sense that it can because the metaphor allows you to lower your guard and tune into yourself like you never could if you had to talk about it explicitly.

It lets your inner truth emerge in a way that doesn’t feel as threatening — especially when the need you’re carrying feels embarrassing.

And btw, this happens regularly in my client sessions; it isn’t some weird anomaly!

As I said, incredible things become possible once you bring your emotional needs into consciousness.

Most importantly: you regain your ability to CHOOSE:

You start to catch yourself in the moment — when you're about to slip into an old habit that doesn’t serve you.

And instead of defaulting to automatic, habitual patterns, you can decide to meet your needs in a way that’s more constructive – i.e., without feeling like you’ve got too much on your plate.

So for example, when you're tempted to jump into a new project, you might pause and ask if that's the most satisfying way to meet your need for excitement or stimulation. Could there be another way that doesn’t overwhelm you?

Or when you feel the pull to jump in and help your team, you might ask whether that's the only way to feel needed — or whether there’s a way to support them that doesn’t make them so dependent on you.

When you understand and articulate what you truly need, you can stop trying to meet those needs in roundabout, exhausting ways, and start creating a version of work that supports your whole self.

For most people, uncovering the hidden emotional needs behind their destructive patterns and interrupting those patterns is a lifelong process.

But there are much faster ways to do this, and I’m proud to say that I have both a natural gift and a powerful process to do this rapidly.

The main way I do it is in my 6-week private coaching program for high-achieving founders and leaders.

They might crave a change in career or business direction but feel unsure about which way to go — either because they have too many ideas or lack clarity about what they truly want.

Or they may want to stay on their current path, but recognize that their work needs to be redesigned to better align with their true nature.

(Or they might not know if they want to stay or leave – so I help them make that decision).

In either case, they benefit immensely from doing this kind of deep inner work because it helps them understand what truly drives them, why those needs exist, and what a more meaningful, sustainable way of meeting those needs could look like.

Full details about the program: here.

If this post spoke to you, and you're ready to do the work of understanding what actually drives your patterns — so you can make changes that last — you have a few options to reach me: you can send me an email, DM me on Facebook or LinkedIn, or shedule a quick, no-pressure Zoom call (click on the button below). In either case, we’ll take a thorough look at your work situation, I’ll offer my honest assessment of what may be causing your problems, and what I think might be the best next step for you. We’ll also determine whether the 6-week program is a fit (or if some other way of working together could support you better).

And then, if you want my help, and I think you'd make a good client, I'll ask your permission to explain what it looks like to work together.

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