You don’t need more confidence — you need this
Everybody wants more self-confidence (and less self-doubt) because they think it will skyrocket their career.
But I find that self-doubt is not always the enemy - it can actually be helpful when it’s directed at the right things!
The problem with self-doubt is that it’s mostly directed at our own *worthiness,* rather than on what truly deserves our scrutiny:
the *beliefs* we inherited about what’s true, allowed, or possible for us – but that we never really put to test.
And over time, those beliefs solidify into elaborate STORIES that limit our ability to work and live in alignment with who we are and what we deeply desire.
I see this often in coaching sessions when my brilliant (and often highly rational) clients confuse their beliefs and stories for objective truth.
To name just a few of those stories and ways they’re limiting:
– They often believe their career should follow a straight, upward trajectory, and that having multiple interests makes them unfocused or flaky.
This story keeps them climbing ladders they no longer even want to be on, and prevents them from exploring genuine passions that would bring greater satisfaction.
– They also tend to believe their worthiness comes from their performance, so they’re constantly trying to earn it.
As a result, they prioritize work over their own wants and needs, which inevitably leads to resentment and burnout.
– And they usually believe that wanting more out of life is a sign of greed or ingratitude.
So they silence their deeper desires and call it being “realistic,” even as it dims their spark.
The moment their transformation begins is when they realize how these stories are governing their lives and start to wonder: What if they’re not true?
In other words, it’s a moment when they become *less confident* and begin to DOUBT the story they’ve believed for so long.
Here I need to emphasize: the fact that you have a story isn’t a problem.
Your brain will always create stories because it is literally wired for narrative: it’s how it naturally makes sense of reality.
(If you want a scientific explanation for this, look into cognitive neuroscientist Michael S. Gazzaniga’s “Interpreter” theory, which shows that the left hemisphere of the brain automatically creates coherent stories to explain our experiences – even when it doesn’t have all the facts.)
Through story, we stitch together the scattered pieces of what happens to us and turn them into something we can understand:
a thread that connects who we’ve been, who we are, and how we fit into the world around us.
In other words: We see the reality as it is, but as we believe it to be.
The real problem is that our stories get distorted when they’re based on outdated data and untested assumptions.
When that happens, they limit what we believe is possible and how much happiness we allow ourselves to experience.
I’m not one to share tips and tricks, but today I feel called to share a very simple but powerful technique I often use with myself (and with my clients).
I believe it will help you shake up a story that’s currently limiting you, and open your mind to new possibilities.
First, think of one limiting story you have about yourself or the world.
How do you know if your story is limiting?
It’s limiting if it stands between you and what you truly want: if it explains why something isn’t possible for you, instead of helping you see how it could be.
Here’s an example:
“I’d love to do something else for a living, but I can’t because I worked so hard to get where I am, it would be stupid to quit now.”
So here, your story is that it’s not smart to change career direction even if you’re unhappy.
(Yours might be longer and more complex than that, but for simplicity purposes, I’m gonna keep it short.)
You can say it out loud or write it down.
Now add one more layer to that sentence and say:
“I’M THINKING that it’s not smart to change career direction even if you’re unhappy.”
It may seem like a tiny change in language, but notice what happens.
Suddenly, you gain a little elevation, and you start to see your story as separate from objective truth.
(I know that if, like me, you seek the truth and hate manipulation, you might feel like this way you’re fooling yourself. But I see it differently. Saying that you’re “thinking XYZ” is *more honest* than proclaiming that XYZ is the way you say it is, wouldn’t you agree?)
Now take it one more step further and say:
“I NOTICE I’m thinking that it’s not smart to change career direction even if you’re unhappy.”
Can you see the difference?
Can you feel how distant that thought suddenly seems?
And doesn’t it feel liberating?
You begin to see that thought for what it really is – just a story you’ve been telling yourself (one of many possible stories you could believe!).
This allows you to question the origin and accuracy of that story and construct one that’s more nuanced, and therefore more helpful because it reflects your reality more truthfully.
Like this:
“I remember this belief comes from my parents who, unlike me, didn’t have much choice. To them it probably was wise to stick to one direction. But I do have a choice and I am not happy. I’m wondering: is that belief still relevant in this day and age?
“And what if it’s possible to change direction without burning everything to the ground?
“What is more important to me: looking successful or being happy? And am I really that worried about losing everything or is this fear more about ‘what will people say’?”
See how when you dare to *doubt your story,* you begin to reveal deeper layers of beliefs that make that story make sense?
And when you question those beliefs, different perspectives emerge which open entirely new possibilities!
Whenever I catch myself in negative self-talk about what is or isn’t allowed and possible for me, and I remember to apply this, I’m instantly transported into a different frame of mind.
I remember that my thoughts are not the truth.
They’re just stories my mind tells, i.e., they’re interpretations of reality, not reality itself.
And until they’re tested against reality, they don’t deserve the authority I’ve been giving them.
Now you might be thinking that your stories are tested against reality because you’ve got plenty of evidence.
But that’s the thing! When you view the world through the lens of your story, you WILL find evidence for it.
(We always find evidence that we seek; it’s called ‘confirmation bias’).
What I love most about working with my accomplished but unfulfilled clients is reshaping the stories that govern their lives – together with the subconscious patterns and beliefs that give those stories their shape and legitimacy.
The way I do it is I literally ask you to write your life story, and throughout our time together, we analyze your personal narrative, and gently but incisively question it.
This allows you to access your authentic wants and needs and experience your reality in a more authentic, empowered way.
And then I help you construct a new, more nuanced, and more constructive story, which — I need to emphasize — isn’t grounded in what *I* think is true or good for you, but in *your own* truth, your own values, and your own life experience.
That part is vital, because the very act of generating your own, more constructive story and meaning will have a transformative effect:
You will feel electrifying a-ha moments and experience a new sense of clarity, freedom, and momentum that wasn’t available before.
From that point, you’ll clearly see why your current work feels unfulfilling — how much of it stems from a genuine misfit with your nature, and how much from the mindset and meaning you’ve been bringing into it.
And that will enable us to identify the right next step and a clear vision for what your work should look like — whether that means changing your job, starting your own business, scaling, pivoting, or pursuing another path that leads to genuine fulfillment.
There are also other elements of my work - besides working with your story - that help you discover what you truly want and need to find deep fulfillment.
(Things like reconnecting you with your zone of brilliance, your values and your purpose, bringing to surface and articulating your unspoken emotional needs, and defining your ideal work environment and lifestyle.)
The main way I do all this is in my 6-week private intensive for leaders and founders who want a fast, efficient way to uncover the root causes of their unfulfillment and identify their best next career or business step (but who aren’t seeking strategic career guidance).
If you'd like to read further details on this program (including pricing) before reaching out to me, they can be found here.
I offer other services as well (and some do include more strategic career guidance). You can find more info about them here.
The next step if you're interested in either of my services is to send me an email, or DM me on Facebook or LinkedIn. Alternatively, you can schedule a free 30-minute call over Zoom. Either way, we'll chat to see which option is the best fit.
I only have up to 5 clients at a time, so you know you'll have my full attention and my most groundbreaking insights. 😉
To your happy success,
Anita
